My One-Sided Love Affair

I'm probably the only person you know that has Elvis 8-tracks.

I mean, I'm not a crazy Elvis fan, but I admit to having a certain admiration for the man.  It's possible that I have an Elvis doll.  Or two.  And I definitely have several records.  Oh, and books.  And postcards.  And a purse.   And a clock where Elvis' body is the top part and his legs are the swinging pendulum.  Wait, I have a cd box set; I'd forgotten about that.

FINE, and I also have this huge rug-thing with his picture on it, that may actually be a wall hanging, or something,  but I sure don't know what the hell to do with it.

Uhh ... these were all gifts, I swear. 

Anyway.  That is the introduction for our next stop on the tour, which was the shrine of the First Church of the Elvis Impersonator, currently residing at Goner Records in Midtown. 

Apparently the "church" used to be a real thing, back when the shrine was housed in Java Cabana, the coffeehouse down the street.  Its owner got licensed on the internet and conducted weddings for diehard Elvis fans.  I am writing this down for future reference if my current job doesn't work out.



I completely expected to see something unbelievably cheesetastic and, you guys, my expectations were much too low.  Check it:


*I couldn't pull the video from my camera, so I ganked this from I Love Memphis.


As you walk into the record store, the shrine is on the right, next to the front window.  It was sunny that day, so there was a massive glare.  It was like Elvis' power was too great for our eyes.

 I'm pretty sure the people who work at Goner Records curse that machine on a daily basis. I kind of got the impression that they wished that machine would explode, or something.   I'd probably feel the same way if it were me.

The shrine is sort of packed off in a corner and you have to wade through a bunch of stuff to get to it, and then you have to sort of stand on one foot and lean against a drum and hold yourself in various awkward positions in order to even get a good look at the damn thing.  This becomes approximately 1000% more difficult if you're wearing a skirt. 

However, I would not be deterred. 

Essentially, this shrine appears to be an emptied vending machine with a bunch of Elvis-related stuff strewn about.   Pretty much every other person in the world would curl a lip (not as an homage) and turn up their noses.  But me?  I LOVED IT.

I need to steal that thing and put it in my bathroom.

Here are some closer pics.

This is the central focus, and one of the creepiest things I've ever seen:  a hand-drawn Elvis impersonator (?) (because it sure doesn't look like Elvis) deep in prayer.  I wonder what he's praying for.  Probably patience.

Here's how you know who this belongs to.  For a mere quarter, Elvis sings, lights flicker, and a little turntable rotates at the bottom of the shrine (right about where you'd pick up your candy bar if it were still a vending machine). 

I'm about 75% sure the song that played that day was "Tiger Man," but that's not a betting percentage, so I'm probably wrong. 

[For those who were wondering, the song in the clip above is "Roustabout."] 

There are several things cracking me up here.

1.  Baby Jesus has sideburns.

2.  Baby Jesus is wearing denim cut-offs.

3.  I guess one of the wise men, in addition to bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh, also brought cheeseburgers.

4.  Those cheeseburgers are bigger than Baby Jesus' head.

The following pictures both have plastic figurines that gave me a powerful taste for king cake, because they look just like the cake toys we had around the house at Mardi Gras.

If you've ever been to Graceland (yes, of course I have), you've heard the story of Elvis shooting his television.  That's what this gun reminded me of.

Aemilia pointed out that there are pills on that black case.  I suppose there's a very SADD message in the placement, similar to "Don't drink and drive."


Prescription drugs will make you shoot stuff, kids.

Again, if you've been to Graceland, you've seen that Elvis was influenced by several religions, including Christianity and Buddhism. 

I like how these symbols are juxtaposed here.

In other news, if those flowers are porcelain, my mom has that collection.

That doll is a knock-off Ken pretending to be Elvis.

I do not have this doll.  I WOULD not have this doll.

That is just ... NO.  That doll looks like Archie Comics.

I believe this is supposed to be Jesus wearing an Elvis jumpsuit. 

However, it looks to me like Elvis as portrayed by the cast of Hair.

This was the best thing I saw all day.